The last laugh

I heard something on the radio today that I think requires a global alert: We are about to run out of helium.

No kidding. Apparently, helium is only available as a by-product of the natural decay of certain radioactive elements (like uranium) that collect in underground caverns. It can't be produced in a lab somewhere; it's got to be dredged up and it qualifies as a non-renewable resource.

Essential medical gear like MRIs can't function without liquid helium. And here we are blowing it (as it were) on balloons for 5-year-olds' birthday parties, or sucking it back for the sake of so many Minnie Mouse impersonations.

Ban the balloons! Besides which, sea turtles find them hard to digest, and if you can just for a moment pretend you're a sea turtle, imagine how much it would suck to make it to a hundred years in the deep green sea, fending off fishing trawlers and sea lions and god knows what other predators, only to choke to death on the ragged remnant of a fucking Spongebob balloon.

Yeah, that's right: the party's over.